Love, Desire, and Disability

At a volunteer center, my friends and I work with a group of young people and those no longer so young. We organize games, theater performances, celebrations, and carry out various work activities together. It happens often that among these young men and women, attractions and attachments form—sometimes lasting ones, though marriage remains impossible for them. Yet these relationships matter deeply. They touch these young people profoundly, shape how they see themselves and relate to us. Sometimes they trigger behavioral problems too: quarrels, jealousy, abandonment, excessive displays of affection. I find myself asking: what's the best way to respond? Discuss it with them, acknowledge it, or ignore it? Encourage their courtships, talk through their concerns? I'd welcome hearing how others handle this. Every group must face similar situations. What's your approach? These seem like vital parts of their relational lives, and we want to navigate them wisely.
Anna Maria Cappabianca

Giving a complete answer isn't simple at all. Each person—disabled or not, physically, intellectually, or emotionally fragile—carries their own singular character, never quite like anyone else's.
We could urge common sense, respect, understanding. But that isn't enough.
We've tried before to address affectivity and sexuality, though hardly with thoroughness. We know this.

We'll keep gathering insights like those Anna Maria offers—and we ask you, readers, to send us similar stories or share positive experiences you've had. At the same time, we'll offer you texts we think matter for deepening this discussion.
The pieces that follow don't directly address the problem Anna Maria raised. But they take up themes that matter and build on what we've said before.

The Editors, 2010

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Jean Vanier Responds

This question points to tremendous suffering among the people you support at your center. It signals the profound loneliness some of them endure.
Because of serious motor and communication difficulties, many are shut out of society: no one takes time to listen, to understand, to enter into real relationship with them. They have no friends. They belong to no community.
Then there is the suffering of those whose sexual impulse has become wholly detached from genuine connection with another person.

Our sexuality, rooted in the attraction between man and woman, should orient us toward true communication and friendship. But some people suffered during childhood from neglect, contempt, and harshness. They never discovered their capacity to love another with tenderness and respect. Treated always as objects, they treat others the same way.
Their sexual impulse, severed from the welcome and tenderness of another, becomes a desperate hunger for masturbation, for an imaginary relationship cut off from reality, driven only by the need for physical pleasure.

This suffering in some people with cerebral palsy is part of their cry to be freed from sexual desire channeled only into masturbation. Many have watched films that trivialize and inflame sexuality. And since they often lack the motor control to touch themselves, they spiral into an anguished longing that can tip some toward something like mental illness.

Clearly we must listen to these people with compassion and respect. When they plead for help with masturbation, we need to talk with them and consider what we can do while protecting them from falling into dependency.
Sometimes massage can ease the pressure of sexual impulse, bringing a measure of relief and helping them find some inner peace.

Above all, we must think hard about how to help them live in genuine friendship.

How do we help them integrate and channel sexual impulse in this situation? By showing them they are loved and valued, that they have gifts to offer. By helping them live in reality, not fantasy.
We begin by learning to share their joys and sorrows, to pray with them. We act with compassion, wisdom, and respect.