Maria and Rino have four grandchildren: Daniele, eleven; Eleonora, nearly six; and then Gian Luca, eight, and Gaia, five and a half. They care for the first two—children of their daughter Paola—every day. They pick them up from school, feed them, oversee nap time and play, drive them to judo lessons and help with homework until their mother arrives around five o'clock to take them home or to swimming. In other words, the ordinary routine of many grandparents today who help their working children this way. The maternal grandparents do the same for Gian Luca and Gaia. So why did I want to meet Maria and Rino—two excellent grandparents, but otherwise entirely ordinary? The reason had to do with one specific quality of Eleonora: she is a child with Down syndrome. I wanted to understand whether something about their relationship with her differed from their relationship with the other grandchildren.
What do you do specifically with Eleonora?
Maria: After lunch I put her down for a nap and tell her stories. Sometimes we sing little songs—she loves the ones from Nemo and The Little Mermaid. Eleonora loves to dance, but she's also happy playing on her own. For example, she plays at giving her doll a nebulizer treatment, holding a spoon in front of its mouth and saying: "Come on, beautiful, breathe in like you're smelling flowers!" She also tries to help me gather the laundry and do other small tasks. Nonno plays often with all his grandchildren, but he's specifically the one who takes them places.
Rino: When I pick Eleonora up from nursery school, she gets up, pushes her chair in, says goodbye to everyone, and runs toward me. I don't have to tell her to say goodbye—if I do, she'll take me at my word and kiss every single one of her classmates!
In short, they both say the same thing: we do with Eleonora what we do with the other grandchildren her age. We want her to follow the same rules. She has to pick up her toys, she can't climb on the sofa with her feet, she has to eat everything and with good manners, and so on.
How does Eleonora get along with her brother?
Maria and Rino: Very well. They're very close. Daniele is not only affectionate and protective toward his sister—he knows how to play with her, he includes her. And she adores him and is protective of him in return.
Since Gaia is nearly the same age as Eleonora, do you notice differences between the two cousins?
Maria: Certainly, now that Gaia is growing, you can see the difference. Gaia can draw, color well, build things, while Eleonora still finds these difficult. On the other hand, Eleonora listens much better than Gaia. She respects the rules more. Gaia is often unpredictable! And Eleonora is very affectionate—not just with us, but with her other grandparents too.
Rino: When she throws herself at me for a hug, she about knocks me over!
I'm struck by what they're saying—that Eleonora listens better than her cousin. Usually we think of children with Down syndrome as sweet and affectionate but a bit stubborn. Maria explains that her daughter Paola is very demanding with both children and expects the same things from each of them. Her parents do the same. Maria says: "If either one deserves a swat on the bottom, they'll get it—even Eleonora! But Nonno gets taken advantage of by Eleonora and the others."
Do you ever feel you're stepping into the parents' role? Do you think they're not doing enough, or not doing things the right way?
Maria: There's great agreement between us, and a lot of trust, especially with our daughter. But there's also deep respect. We can offer an opinion or advice, but we respect their decisions. And you have to acknowledge that both of them do everything they can for their children. Paola personally oversees Eleonora's care—she takes her to therapy, swimming lessons, looks for resources and opportunities to help her develop further. She doesn't leave it all to us.
At this point I ask them how they reacted when they learned the baby had Down syndrome.
Maria: During the pregnancy itself, there were indications that the baby might have problems, especially because an esophageal stenosis was found. This actually affected the course of the pregnancy itself, and to carry it forward, our daughter had to undergo heavy treatments.
Rino: As soon as we learned the baby might have problems, I went to my daughter and asked: what do you want to do? She answered: "I want this baby!" That was enough for me. "Okay," I said. That was it.
Maria: Our daughter suffered greatly, especially because the baby was born at eight months and had to be operated on immediately. For seven months she had to be fed through a tube. She was gaining little weight, she was sick. Fortunately her husband was always there for her, but we were never absent either. We walked beside her every step of the way. I understand the depression some mothers feel in difficult circumstances, but when I hear of desperate acts, I ask myself: where is the family?
Paola would sometimes say to me, discouraged: "Mama, why me?" And I'd answer: "Why not?! You were clearly the right mother for Eleonora!" And now I've become fanatical about this granddaughter. Nobody better lay a hand on her!
Eleonora's birth changed me. I can't care anymore about appearances, about superficial things. Now I try to see what's essential and to appreciate the absolute value of life.