Grandmothers, close friends, sisters-in-law often become confidantes to couples expecting a child with probable disability—and facing an agonizing choice. What do you say? What do you do?
What to Avoid
- Pretending you have "the" answer. Learn instead to accept your own helplessness.
- Wielding the catechism. Judging. The Church condemns abortion, yes—but it condemns the act, not the person who commits it.
- Saying "If I were you…" or "I can only imagine what you're feeling…" You cannot know how you would react, nor can you step into another's shoes.
- Intruding. Filling every silence at any cost. Overstepping boundaries.
What Can Help
- Listen and receive her suffering, her fear, her rage—these are legitimate. When fear floods the soul, freedom vanishes. Help her speak. Let her name what she feels without shame or judgment.
- Be simple. Don't hesitate to say: "I see you're anguished, torn between opposing impulses." Or: "I have no words." A spontaneous gesture of affection can convey the nearness of your heart.
As Time Goes On
- Invite her to think aloud about the pros and cons: "If you choose abortion, what happens next? If you choose to carry the baby, how do you imagine the future? Who do you think you can count on? What does the father think? Whatever you decide, even if it differs from what he wants, there will be suffering. How do you think you'll bear it?"
- Suggest concrete help: "There are organizations you can call anonymously. You can talk with them. They'll connect you with parents who've walked this path. They can support you at birth and after." Offer real resources.
- Make yourself present: "I'll be here if you need me. Call whenever you need to." Consider what you can actually do—being there at birth, in the weeks after, whatever your capacity allows. "Will you let me know how things unfold?"
- Recognize the weight of this: to hold a friend's or couple's anguished question is a grave responsibility. Don't forget to ask the Holy Spirit for help. Entrust your friend's difficult season to people of prayer.
(Ombres et Lumière, no. 15)