Thank you, Giovanni, for suggesting the title of this conversation, which I dedicate to you and to all the young people like you.
Thank you for letting me share your words, posted to FL's online bulletin on May 13.
"In my dreams there's something that troubles me... I want something new... I wish I had friends who looked for me and didn't give up when I, for reasons I can't explain, didn't call them back.
I try to spark their interest: but how do you do that? In certain moments, when I feel it's time to draw near, I sit down beside her and wait... I feel helpless in front of her, it doesn't matter what her name is—what matters to me is that I love her...I wish I could make people understand that even though I'm ugly, I'm okay anyway. I can do a lot of things, I'm funny, I like to laugh and joke... When I get going, nothing stops me; but if they stop me by saying I'm sick, I get really angry and curse up a storm before walking away alone, into my isolation... In my room I suffer in silence and I want to scream but I can't because I'm shy.
But why doesn't anyone ever call me... I'm alone with silence as my only company... Love matters to me... without it I'd be dried up like a reed...
I think silence makes noise..."
Your words—true and painful—touched my heart. They belong to many adolescents and young people your age. Love is not easy to find or give: the harder you search for the person who matches your desires, the more you seem to be chasing the wind. Believe me, Giovanni, you're not alone in this struggle that torments so many boys and girls.
I want to offer you some practical advice that might help you find your way out of the dead end where you seem to be stuck. These are small things that apply to every young person searching for their "soulmate," as people foolishly say. We should speak instead of a complementary soul—someone with whom to share the good things and to fill the gaps that everyone has but often refuses to see.
- We are all strongly drawn to beauty, and each of us would like to choose as a companion, boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse—someone as beautiful as possible, with every aesthetic quality as if these were the essential conditions for real love. It's the search for Prince Charming or the woman of our dreams. These are goals pursued so naturally and innocently that they often leave young people with nothing, sometimes forever. A person's worth comes not from what they appear to be but from who they are: their kindness, generosity, inner strength, serenity, balance... These are gifts far more desirable and the ones that make you want a life together.
- The more passionately you search for the right person, the more you forget to ask yourself whether you are the right person and how you appear to those who meet you: calm or troubled, full of yourself, worried about your image, needing attention and pity, strong and brave, loyal, open or closed off...
- Only by stopping your desperate need to be loved, and instead gradually becoming someone capable of offering gifts and support to others; only by waiting patiently for someone to notice your worth... only then will that meeting happen from which love might grow.
- Waiting with calm, channeling your energy and desires into satisfying activities (work done well, a sport pursued with passion and small expense, taking part in a young people's group, serving regularly those in need, listening to music with friends, a relaxing walk or a cultural visit with others, going to a film club...) —your life will become more pleasant, your interests will grow and strengthen your character and personality.
- Find a wise person (man or woman) who can be a guide, a mentor, a friend, a confidant. You won't move forward if you stay closed in on yourself, alone, and if you don't trust others. With the help of someone you trust and who will guide you, you'll gradually learn to feel better about yourself, to look with calm and hope toward the dream you share with all people: to love and be loved.
Take heart, Giovanni. Write back to us with your thoughts on these words and your judgment of the articles in this issue on affection and sexuality.
- Mariangela Bertolini, 2003