Three questions about the father's role in a family raising a child with intellectual disability—put to Maria Odile Réthoré, a physician with extensive experience counseling such families.
How can a father who spends most of his time away from home support his wife?
Often the mother is alone with her child all day. She worries about him. She struggles to find solutions. She cries, perhaps.
If, when he returns from work, the father speaks to his wife only in terms of that child, the family is in danger.
A man who works outside the home should not feel guilty about being at home so little—it is his duty as head of the family. But he cannot hope to make up for his absence by focusing all his attention on the handicapped child. While respecting his wife's concerns and listening to her with real attention, the father must bring home a breath of fresh air when he walks through the door. It falls to him to insist—firmly, if need be—that they arrange for a relative or friend to watch their son so the two of them can go out together for a few hours, or even away for a day or two. They return to find their son with even greater tenderness. I still hear the words of one father who brought his adult son to see me for the first time: "We have become hostages to our son." The husband and wife had come to detest each other.
From the very beginning, the father must ensure that the family lives a normal life.
From the very beginning, the father must ensure that the family lives a normal life.A child does not ask his parents to become his slaves. He needs a father and mother who love him and love each other. From the outset, the father must see to it that the whole family has a normal life. It is his place to suggest a dinner out or an evening at the cinema. It gives his wife a chance to visit the hairdresser, to make herself feel beautiful.
How can a father participate in raising a handicapped child?
Here is what one father wrote to me: "A father's gaze upon his handicapped child is often purer because he does not project human ambitions onto him as he does with his other children. We should not hesitate to show this child physical affection. He will return it a hundredfold. I can tell you that the 'Dad!' from this son touches me just as much as the 'Good morning, Dad!' from my other children. Did not Jesus teach us to call his Father 'Abba'—we who are weak and sometimes wretched?"
But tenderness does not mean surrendering authority. Giorgio said to me the other day, "He's not a real father—he never gives a spanking!"
A father's love must be strong enough to set boundaries when necessary, even if others do not understand.
What is the father's role as the child grows?
The father becomes the model for his growing son, and his role becomes crucial. He is the one who must teach this older boy what to do and what not to do, how a man should behave. He is the one who should oversee hygiene and grooming—not his mother—when the child is a boy. He must work closely with his growing son.
With a girl who is becoming a young woman, the father must engage thoughtfully. He can no longer accept certain behaviors that might be misinterpreted—though this does not mean suppressing affection. He must remain her confidant, the one she can always count on, especially when she is troubled or has quarreled with her mother.
One final word—though this would require a whole book—about the father who could not bear the presence of a handicapped child. He stops coming home, or comes only rarely. There is enormous suffering in these fathers. After the first appointment without them, I always write to say how much they are missed and how they are waited for—with open arms—in their home.
- article from Ombres et Lumière, no. 76, 1987