The wish to marry is a perfectly normal desire, and one we should listen to. But it is often a hunger for normalcy—one that sits uneasily alongside emotional immaturity, real difficulty grasping the world as it is, and an inability to take responsibility for oneself. People with mild disabilities suffer greatly. They cannot accept their situation.
Life together with others—in a group home or a community, in relationships rich with exchange—can help them find their balance, accept themselves as men and women different from everyone else, with their own sexual life, with something to give and something to receive. In this way, a more mature adulthood becomes possible. But it takes a very long time before a couple can plan and build a life together.
Even when life as a couple attracts them deeply, it is not within everyone's reach. I know many young women with mild disabilities who live with their parents. This is hard for the parents too—they want, like anyone, for their daughter to be independent, to have "a life of her own." Sometimes they encourage her to start a relationship. But knowing how to cook or clean a house is not the same as being ready to share your life with another person, whoever they are or whatever their disability.
Violence—in words or actions—can erupt when a couple begins too soon and the person with a disability loses the solitude they still need in order to grow, or when they cannot express what they feel, their struggles, their needs, out of fear of being abandoned.
A life together is beautiful. It enriches the person. I have seen this myself. But it works when certain moments of personal maturation are respected.
What is necessary:
- To be responsible for yourself.
- To accept that a plan must come first, then reality. Every plan takes time to build, time to mature, time to become real.
- To get help from another couple or from someone who knows about married life.
- To talk about the child who might be born, and how to raise them.
- To walk together toward marriage as a celebration of love between two people, their gift to each other, their promise before witnesses, before the Church.
- B. di M., 2003