Issue 25 of Insieme drew our attention to a subject we too often neglect. That subject is the particular situation in which they live—"without any initial choice of their own"(1)—the brothers and sisters of a child whose handicap sets him apart from his peers.
We all know that even in the most fortunate, most supported, or bravest families, there settles at least at first an atmosphere of tension and anxiety. Every day brings new, grave problems. How does a child or young person respond to such a situation? A being still growing, neither the main actor in this drama unfolding before his eyes nor a mere spectator?
Shallow observers take interest only enough to offer surface judgments: "kids like that are ruined" or else, at the opposite extreme, "it's good for them—they grow more responsible, more kind." But what is the actual reality? It is never simple, and it certainly does not reveal itself to hurried, superficial minds.
Insieme tackled this subject by inviting its readers' attention through a series of personal testimonies. It asked brothers and sisters with similar experiences to respond through a questionnaire. Why? Because it matters that we understand ourselves better, to narrow the distances that separate us, and to help one another through this kind of mutual exchange.
The responses—all of them valuable—are not numerous, so we cannot draw broad conclusions or make sweeping generalizations. Still, we can draw some useful and important reflections that speak to all of us.
It appears that talking openly with parents about this shared problem helps tremendously. Where families cannot manage this conversation, it becomes harder—sometimes impossible—to navigate social relationships outside the home: having friends, inviting them over, and so on.
All the responses also show that the presence of a handicapped sibling affects the lives of the other children. Only one speaks of purely negative influence. The others point to attitudes—both mental and practical—that generally signal human maturity, even true wisdom: a sense of responsibility, a proportioning of problems, acceptance of one's own and others' difficulties, availability to others, the ability to love someone who smiles at you, the willingness not to always seek the spotlight.
This maturity appears again in answers to other questions. To demonstrate, I want to share how one girl answered "Has her presence made it difficult for you to have friends over?" She said: "Sometimes yes, because stupidly I'm ashamed to introduce a brother like that." There is profound honesty in trying to be thorough and sincere, awareness that shame, however natural, is foolish, and confidence that she is on the right path—recognizing that only sometimes does this foolish shame hold her back.
But now I want to make you a proposal: return to the testimonies that issue 25 of Insieme offered us. In my view, they deserve to be taken up and reread with care and patience. Sometimes this phrase will speak most clearly, sometimes that one—each revealing more of its depth, not only to other "siblings" of blood and family, but to all of us who so often speak the word "brothers" in our churches and hear it spoken there. It is a word that generally brings warmth and reassurance, but perhaps only because it has lost much of its profound and unsettling meaning. We are placed in the condition to be like brothers and sisters, but it depends on us to transform that possibility into living reality. It is a hard and demanding reality. The testimonies of our friends remind us of this.
Lucia Bertolini, 1980