They barely speak anymore. They no longer cry out. They have nothing left to say.
They go on living their everyday lives, dragging through the same routines a thousand times over. They are elderly mothers and fathers, worn down by lives that have been hard; they have always lived with a son or daughter they have no idea how to leave in anyone's care.
Time passes. The years pile up on their shoulders until they cannot help but think of the day when they must depart, forever.
Some have lost their partner, that other half who made it possible to share this grinding anxiety. Often—almost always—they are mothers, who, as we know, live longer. Widowhood has made them even more silent, unable to imagine any solution. Deep in their hearts, no longer as combative as they once were but now resigned, there sits a question, unspoken, as if carved in stone: "Surely someone will think of us, in the end."
So it happens that the last of the two passes away, in silence, and their daughters, already married with children of their own, run in all directions to find help: "You understand—I have to sort out my grandmother, who is 93, and my brother, who is 38. Where do I go? Who do I turn to? Is there really no place?"
The place, suddenly, cannot be found. Not for the grandmother. Not for the brother.
Who will hear the silence locked behind the walls of your homes, where by now he or she has grown far too accustomed to living?
Who will bring you the news you have been waiting for—35, 40 years, and more—that "a wonderful community is ready for your son (or daughter), perfect for him; you can bring him there whenever you wish, and he will be safe forever"?
Who bears responsibility for this failure to answer a need that grows more urgent by the day and affects thousands of families?
We ask these questions here at Ombre e Luci, hoping to find solutions for the urgent cases that arrive with increasing frequency. We ask them of you as well: parents and friends, educators and priests and religious sisters, members of associations and volunteer groups.
Has the moment not come for each of us to take responsibility for these longings that we all know so well—longings that knock so persistently at the doors of our hearts? Is it not perhaps a little our responsibility to speak about this in our circles, to wake up those who pretend not to know, those who set the problem aside because there are more urgent appeals, those who promise and do not keep their word, those who fill their mouths with empty talk? Is it not our duty, at the very least, to press for answers by forcefully presenting this need of our brothers and sisters who cannot hold demonstrations on their own, who cannot go and cry out beneath some office that is deaf and forgetful of its responsibility?
Here, then, are some concrete suggestions. Each of us can choose what fits best with our commitments and our capacity:
For parents of disabled people, young and old:
- Send letters of request for a "place to live" that can welcome your children as soon as possible. Where should you send these letters? To the Adult Handicapped Services office of your local health authority (USL), to the person in charge of social services in your municipality and region, to your mayor.
For these letters to have any real impact, you must send many of them—lots of them. You can do this, and in my view, you must all do it.
- Apply for acceptance for your child in existing residential institutions or group homes, even if you end up on a waiting list. It is always better to try than to do nothing. These organizations, in turn, will make the health authorities aware of how many requests exceed their capacity... (Ombre e Luci can provide you with useful addresses for this purpose).
- Urge the associations you belong to so they awaken public opinion and social services to promote family homes or residential communities.
For friends, for married couples, for religious sisters and priests:
Suggestions or fantasy? The answer is yours—so that those who are too alone to face these needs do not feel abandoned.
- It would be desirable if each person took responsibility for an adult disabled person—someone you know well, whose family you call friends. Follow closely the situation they are in: what have the parents made plans for, are they taking action (writing letters, doing research, etc.)?
- Some more generous friend could seek a solution together with the parents or on their behalf, and assure them that once their son or daughter is welcomed somewhere, you will not leave them alone. You will keep watch over them, visit them, or invite them to some activity (a party, a birthday, a walk).
- The more enterprising among you could join with some parents to prepare a project together, to find a facility, to start with some weekends together, to ask for support from the local health authority.
- Two couples living in the same building could arrange a studio apartment or two adjacent rooms to welcome one or two people who are not severely disabled and "accompany" them in their lives, taking care not to leave them too alone, and not to become overwhelmed by their presence.
- A group of young people with some experience and looking for work could form a cooperative with some parents and create a small residential community.
Suggestions or fantasy? The answer is yours—so that those who are too alone to face these needs do not feel abandoned.
To the elderly parents who will read these pages, I want to say: do not lose hope. Turn your eyes toward Him who has promised never to let us fall if we have faith in him. He will reward the Love with which you have cared for your children's lives for so many long years. He will know how to express his gratitude to you, and he will know how to call, with a special appeal, those who will want to work in his name for the future of your children. This is what he has promised us:
"Whoever welcomes one of these little ones welcomes me."
How could he ever forget you, who have welcomed him for so long?
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— Mariangela Bertolini, 1996
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