Adolescence is always a critical time for people with disabilities.
Yes, it truly is a crisis. All parents of children with disabilities dread it and wish they could deny it altogether. "Sexual feelings? Desires? But he doesn't have any! She's just a child!"
Yet these children are like all others. Girls menstruate and may dream of having a husband, a child. Boys find girls beautiful and generally have good taste. They want to touch and be touched. They experience erections and ejaculations. Their sexual life is almost always solitary; masturbation is common and lasts longer in proportion to the severity of their intellectual disability.
But every person is unique, and puberty affects each one differently—in body and mind alike. All the physical changes of this age bring profound shifts in personality. These young people will face all the fears and uncertainties of adolescent crisis with greater difficulty than their peers, because they struggle to express what they feel. The worries and questions they provoke in their family, social, and institutional environments risk deepening their destabilization in return.
How can they navigate this phase of their lives?
Parents often feel profound anxiety. Denying sexuality makes it explosive. Instead, we must tame it, socialize it. From early childhood, boys and girls should spend time together—at home, at the beach, at school, with playmates. From the start, they need clear rules of good conduct: you don't embrace everyone, you don't undress whenever you want or in front of everyone. Adolescents—both boys and girls—need patient, kind guidance. Remember: self-respect and dignity are built through the regard they see reflected in others' eyes.
When parents fear sexuality might escape the grasp of weak intellect or fragile will; when they fear it will spin out of control or become troublesome—they often resort to drastic measures: psychiatric treatment, medication, sterilization of boys and girls. This is not the answer. What matters is helping the adolescent become aware of his or her body's new possibilities, while also teaching limits and appropriate distance in relationships—so the pull of desire doesn't overwhelm them.
What should parents do if their adolescent has strong sexual urges?
First, understand that these urges are normal. They vary depending on the nature of the disability, which is why a clear assessment of the young person's intellectual level matters. You can never generalize. In any case, parents should consult their doctor.
When faced with exaggerated sexual behavior, parents must not hesitate to say: "No. This is not done. It's not good for you." In short, they should teach good manners and explain why. He or she will become a man or woman; their model will be their father or mother. Parents teach respect for the body, and the ability to love, through their words and their conduct. Above all, mothers must respect their child's privacy.
It is possible to redirect and elevate these natural, normal urges. It is not easy, and it involves real struggle—but it can be done. This energy can be channeled into meaningful activities: sports, theater, horseback riding, music. These are especially balancing when the young person finds genuine joy in them, shared with other young people. It also helps to give them real responsibility—a task that matters to the family, something that makes life better because of them.
Young people also need permission to voice their anxiety, their suffering, their desires—while respecting privacy (never discuss them or their problems with outsiders without consent). Let them meet alone with someone they trust, someone with whom they can share their feelings.
How do you support a daughter who dreams of marrying and having children?
Let her keep some of that dream, while helping her discover the reality of life and all that comes with love. You'll soon realize these are not children, but men and women capable of real emotional maturity. I remember a consultation with Beatrice, who is thirty. She was very close to Paolo, who also has Down syndrome. There were genuine emotional bonds between them. We talked together. Beatrice told me: "I need time to know if Paolo is the man I love." "What does love mean to you?" "It's happiness!" "But whose happiness—yours or Paolo's?" She answered with great certainty: "Both of ours!" She had understood everything.
What do you say to anxious parents who don't want to give their daughter contraception?
I want to help them find peace. It's important to explain to your daughter, in words she understands, the risks involved. Teach her to have some modesty, some reserve. Of course, no contraception can ever prevent rape or protect her from assault.
One last piece of advice?
Above all, don't lock your child away in the protected nest of family. Some think a father's affection and a mother's tenderness are enough for an adult child. They're wrong. They risk trapping their child in a suffocating relationship where no one else can enter.
Give time its due. The young person will come to understand intuitively what can and cannot be done. Respect the privacy that gives dignity to who they are. Recognize them as a complete person. It's a matter of how you look at them.
- Marie Odile Réthoré, 2003