Our community drew its inspiration from Nicodemo, a lesser-known figure in John's Gospel.
Nicodemo is well, but not entirely. He is searching, ready to let himself be drawn in. At risk to his reputation, he rises at night and seeks out Jesus to "question him." For a while he holds back... but when Jesus is taken down from the cross, Nicodemo brings the precious oil himself to anoint his body. A jar both costly and very, very heavy... And so he steps into the open, staking himself entirely.
"Spend" everything, "stake yourself entirely"... that is the project of families like us who choose community.
Comunità Nicodemo is currently made up of four families who first met in February 1996 and began a journey together, formally becoming the "Associazione Nicodemo" in May 1997.
In June 1999, the first two families began living together: Beatrice and Ugo with Guido, Laura and Pietro (then 7, 4½, and 2 years old), and Angela with Bianca (10 years old) and Leonardo (5½ years old). In September 1999, the third family arrived: Chiara and Dario with Davide (16), Lorenzo (13), and Maurizio (11). Finally, in November 2000, the fourth family joined us: Laura and Luca with Paolo (nearly 2 years old). Currently, living with Beatrice and Ugo are also a 28-year-old woman and Paola (a longtime friend from Faith and Light); with Angela lives a 23-year-old woman; and with Chiara and Dario live a 19-year-old woman and an 8-year-old girl (in afternoon foster care). But the numbers matter less to us than this: we aim to be not simply a welcoming community in the sense of providing shelter, but a genuinely welcoming community—one that gives, through the families within it, a "home" to those seeking a place where they can find affection, peace, and balance.
We live in Cesano Maderno, twenty kilometers from Milan, in a large house we have restored (so far, only partly). Each family has its own apartment, yet we share several common spaces: a main hall, a smaller sitting room, a courtyard, a garden, an orchard, and eventually a small chapel.
Our choice to "live together" grew from the conviction that community allows us to:
- move beyond the isolation families often turn inward;
- create physical and temporal space to place our resources—the very resources we devote to our own families—at the disposal of others;
- share with other households our educational choices, our practices, and our economic decisions;
- create a larger context in which we feel more supported in passing on the fundamental values that shape our families and especially our children's growth;
- help each other "watch over" the great founding ideals that give each family its character and originality, bringing them alive through dialogue and communication with one another.
More specifically, the way of life we want to live includes:
- in our relationships with one another, mutual trust, frank dialogue, and openness to each other;
- in how we manage our personal and shared goods, simplicity and generosity;
- in our dealings with the outside world, openness and attentiveness to the community around us (understood as the social context in which we live);
- in our spiritual journey, a personal relationship with Christ nourished by times of private and communal prayer, regular participation in the sacraments, and reflection on our spiritual path.
"Formally," as a community we gather one evening a week to pray or to reflect together. During significant seasons, at 6 p.m. "whoever is around" may recite Vespers or suggest a prayer to share with the children. Once a month we spend a Sunday together, sharing lunch and then reflecting on something that shapes our common life.
But the real life of community is what we experience in the daily reality of living "elbow to elbow"—adults and children in close contact.
The mothers often spend afternoons together, keeping a shared eye on the children and working through household tasks side by side (our famous "ironing parties" let us work through mountains of laundry while talking and sharing the latest news). The fathers often work together in the garden and orchard, or tackle whatever restoration projects come up—painting, sanding, hanging doors, and so on. We make fundamental choices as a group, yet each family keeps its own distinct identity and character. It is through daily dialogue—more reasoned for the adults, more instinctive for the children—that we learn to embrace each other's differences and often challenge ourselves, either reaffirming our choices or deciding to change course.
Gifts in Common
Paola has been living with us for two years now. She has been placed in a cooperative much like the one she worked at in Milan, which she attends from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. The move to Cesano Maderno has not prevented her from continuing to see her friends from Faith and Light and other longtime friends—Milan is only half an hour away by car or train. After an initial period of settling in (which went very smoothly), she has fit perfectly into community life. Beatrice and Ugo are her primary anchors, but she knows she can visit someone else whenever she wants to chat and share a smile. There is always something interesting happening in the community, and she can always offer to help with one task or another. So many people visit us, and Paola has become quite skilled at running the vacuum to prepare for a new group or tidying up after a gathering. The richness of life here makes her feel part of something that always has something to offer to those who open themselves to it.
Of the three fathers in the community, two work outside it (Dario is a geologist, Ugo an engineer), while Luca (a carpenter) works part-time away and part-time within the community. Of the four mothers, Angela and Beatrice work outside (both are teachers), Chiara is at home (and works harder than anyone), and Laura is at home but works part-time while finishing her studies to become an educator.
We put all our earnings into a common fund, and each month every family receives a blank check that we fill out according to our needs. This "system" matters greatly because it makes visible the deep mutual trust that makes our life together possible—a trust rooted far more in sharing our life choices than in pooling money.
We have many connections with the wider society and the community in which we live.
Beyond the ties we have—like any ordinary family—to work, school, and our parish, we have specifically opened ourselves in three directions: spiritual, pastoral, and social. Once a month the community opens its weekly prayer gathering to anyone who wishes to join. We have made ourselves available to offer testimony about a different and genuinely possible way of living family life, especially to groups of young people, engaged couples, newlyweds, and families. Finally, we have connected with the municipal Social Services and local health authorities to coordinate initiatives and groups involved in foster family care.
Our life, which as described here might seem suited only to those few "who make different choices," is really the simple, everyday life of any family working hard to find its own way each day—but choosing in that search to open itself to dialogue with other families, and discovering that from sharing and nearness come new energy and new possibilities for everyone, young and old alike.
— Beatrice Ghislandi and Ugo Di Carpegna, 2002
