With the staff, we constantly think about the romantic relationships that develop between residents with disabilities — whether we should allow them to unfold or prevent them. We ask ourselves: by what right do we speak and intervene? Why do we intrude into something so intimate as sexuality? We hold power over these people, and there is always the risk of misusing it. For this reason, our choices about how to act can never be based on: "I'll do it this way because it's easier for me and keeps me out of trouble."
A Starting Point
The "right to love" is in the air these days. At the day center, as director I could enforce my authority as administrator, so from the start we set one rule: "Look, but don't touch." But the group home is different. It's a place where people live, and we need to be less rigid. We can establish only rules of decent behavior: no undressing in public, no walking the halls half-clothed, no going into another resident's room without the door staying open. That sort of thing. In the group home, we have one floor for the young men and one for the young women. Welcoming both men and women was a deliberate choice from the beginning — one that reflects the complexity of life itself. Men and women remain complementary, even in small ways. At minimum, two staff members are always present in the home, but this doesn't prevent occasional difficult situations. I think of a young man, Davide, who had homosexual tendencies. His parents, full of guilt, allowed him every weekend to visit adult shops; he would return to us with behavior incompatible with community life. For the sake of the house, we had to part with him.
The rhythm of life and the rules we have about relationships make contraception unnecessary in the home. Still, we have to evaluate each case. I remember one young woman who would have given herself to anyone — and this had happened before — and who now uses contraception.
When a Relationship Begins
When a romantic relationship starts at the center, we ask ourselves: "Is it right for this young man to continue with this relationship?" The team doesn't always reach the same conclusion. I think of Luca, who met a very lovely young woman from another group home. At first everything went well; they were content. For three years we supported them, talking with them about budgeting, cooking, sexuality, their future. But living together turned out to be a failure. After three months, Elena found herself unable to keep house and fell into a severe depression. Their relationship was a beautiful thing, and so we placed them under close supervision — money management, strict rules and restrictions. Now they're doing well together.
Recently we faced a difficult case: Gianna, a thirty-five-year-old woman with Down syndrome, began a relationship with Luigi. At first she felt loved, opened up, found peace in her worries. Then, after the initial romance came obsession: Gianna became completely dependent, started lying, stealing, calling in secret, couldn't sleep. The young man was very sensual, always seeking physical contact, which aroused her in ways she then sought on her own. All this made us think: is this real love?
After a time, we concluded it wasn't. Luigi thought only of his immediate pleasure, while Gianna lived in an imaginary marriage, disconnected from reality. The relationship was becoming destructive.
We decided to separate them gently but firmly. The team reached this conclusion: "Despite their real capacity for affection, the person with intellectual disability is egocentric by nature. It's rare that they can enter into love as a gift, or integrate sexuality into that dimension." When love's true purpose isn't possible, we avoid beginning that journey.
This reflection leads us to see involuntary celibacy as a calling in its own right. I think of Sebastiano, a young man deeply attracted to women but unable to build a genuine loving relationship. He is deeply religious. We helped him make a moral choice. I was able to speak with him about intimate things — masturbation especially — to help him overcome his guilt. He came to see that what he was living wasn't helping him grow, and that he could embrace celibacy as a gift of himself. This brought him great peace. He's an intelligent young man, and I believe one day he'll be capable of living his autonomy fully.
So They Don't Become "Frustrated"
We want to support the full development of their emotional lives.
- Through community life: when we have a good evening together, laughing, singing, dancing, the heart is satisfied. But if we sit too long in front of the television holding hands, the risk is greater.
- Through tenderness — knowing how to embrace them, offer a gentle touch, a pat on the shoulder — without awakening sexuality.
- Through the presence of elderly people who take on the role of grandparents. They join community life for a meal, a prayer, some small task. These "grandparents" are "the ones you can tell everything to." Giacomo has no relatives left, but he's happy to bring lunch to Mirella every day, and that gesture has become the joy of his day.
- Through the presence of friends: neighbors, supporters who visit from time to time. A retired priest, formerly spiritual assistant of Faith and Light, came to live in the house. It's important that residents have several people they can confide in, and important that those people don't all come from the same circle.
The more we respond adequately to the need for affection, the more we can ease sexual impulses. This requires structure, planned and animated evenings, and good use of time.
The person with intellectual disability needs close support. We can't focus only on their emotional and sexual life. We must understand and support the whole person, and that's why activities matter so much.
In our homes, for instance, each resident has responsibilities: one sweeps, another makes the morning coffee. Nicola goes to the pool on his own, and Maria has permission to run an errand on the way back from the day center. It's important to tailor these activities to each person — activities that include art, sports, gatherings with Faith and Light.
What does God want from us? That we be happy, that we love each other, that we live together with others. Sexuality isn't the only path to happiness. The person with intellectual disability thirsts for tenderness, and is so capable of giving and receiving it! Let us learn (again) to live according to God's plan and let ourselves be drawn by this yearning.
- Baudoin Gautier, 2003