Caring for a handicapped person as they grow old is often exhausting; tension, anxiety, and fear arise easily.
These thoughts, offered in no particular order, aim to help those who stand beside aging people, or who live with them, so they might offer genuine support without wearing themselves down or collapsing.
Living in a place that feels safe
For someone struggling with memory and confusion, routine is not monotonous—it is an anchor. Daily activities, lived with regularity, build calm. So respect the order established over time and space. Now is not the moment to rearrange furniture or move objects; yet it is essential to strip away what is superfluous—useless ornaments, rugs that slip underfoot, wobbly lamps.
Building trust
Giovanna asks the same question over and over. She has truly forgotten what she asked moments ago, and the answer she was given. This frightens her. Answer her again. If it becomes unbearable, find a way out—a distraction. Tell her you need her help. Give her something easy and suited to her: sorting envelopes from one box into another. Polishing a silver or brass object. Make the request with warmth and patience, in a way that steadies her. Never treat these people as small children. Instead, encourage them to be useful, drawing on whatever abilities remain.
Pay special attention to physical care
Move their arms and legs. Stretch and massage their fingers and hands. Make sure beds and chairs are comfortable. Give thorough baths. Change clothes and linens often. Use creams and cologne. Keep their hair neat and clean.
Keep conversation alive
Any opening will do: share a phone conversation you just had, mention a letter received, or a small family event. Talk about the menu and how you'll prepare it.
Sometimes exchange is hard because the other person may not speak. But do not give up on communicating. Dialogue happens even when the other does not answer: an attentive, watchful gaze; a song they loved; a nursery rhyme; gentle humor; a simple prayer; a childhood prayer—these are comforts that console and reassure.
Bring pleasure
Include them in life as much as possible: shop together, run errands together, take a walk in a green place, paste photos into an album, put flowers in a vase.
A cat on their lap can be a welcome companion. Play music they love. Dance together. Play games. Prepare and serve their favorite dishes.
Know how to rest
Anna learned to face her own physical and moral limits in caring for her somewhat tyrannical father. She asked for help from other relatives and friends. She also sought out a circle of friends where she could unburden herself and find support for her own balance.
Learning to live one day at a time
Once you have done all you can to organize and prepare everything needed, what remains is the hardest part: living day by day, remembering that "each day has enough trouble of its own."
(from O. et L. no. 101)
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