Continued from Part One
We were fortunate that our troubled child had a room of his own. If your son or daughter doesn't have that option, there should still be some place in the home that belongs only to him. Jimmy sometimes did things that weren't dangerous or destructive, but irritated and embarrassed us—loud crying, screaming, picking his nose, masturbating, and so on. In his room or private space, he could continue these behaviors without direct concern to us. We learned to remember, and to keep reminding ourselves, that every human being first belongs to himself; a person's mind and body are always his own property. Getting Jimmy into his space for certain activities was hard, especially keeping him there. We realized that locking the door, restraining him, or using other coercive measures usually backfired and caused harm. We had to be ready to guide him back to his space each time with the same words, always the same words. The most effective tool was physical barriers—not locking or confining him, but setting clear physical limits. Lower-half door closures, with the upper half open, work well. Retractable gates and barriers designed for young children are useful. So are room dividers, furniture arrangements, or even a rope marking off a specific zone.
Learning to Avoid What Triggers Agitation
Jimmy disliked houses where he was trapped in a small space with many people hovering around telling him "don't touch this" and "don't touch that." We visited such places only when the children stayed home. We didn't keep Jimmy isolated, because separation would never have let him learn to adapt and cope. In practice, in our home or at the homes of understanding and patient friends, Jimmy learned the pleasures of visiting. When he couldn't tolerate waiting, we chose restaurants where he could move around while we waited to be served. When his screaming was still a problem, we picked loud places. We understood that the informal atmosphere of a family-style trattoria suited him best. There was always plenty of noise and lots of children at fast-food places. Those were the first places we looked for, especially if the weather was good and there were outdoor tables. Later we could manage the ordinary restaurants at highway rest stops and parking areas. Jimmy was restless in shops. So when he had to come along, we chose one with shopping carts, and he could ride while we did our shopping.
Trial and Error
We never demanded that Jimmy behave in a certain way to meet our goals and desires. He never attended church, since he couldn't move freely or make noise there. He received baptism privately, able to express freely his distress at the cold water. At home, he isn't asked to stay at the table after he finishes eating. Over time we became skilled at avoiding everything that caused him anxiety and agitation. Only through trial and error, trying to tune in to his sensitivity, were we able to manage these reactions. We sometimes misjudged a situation, but more often we succeeded in avoiding an outburst rather than trying to calm anger and frustration after it erupted.
Skilled at avoiding what triggers anxiety and agitation
Skilled at avoiding what triggers anxiety and agitationTalking, Always Talking
Parents are asked increasingly to talk to children who cannot talk. This was hard, and we had to keep doing it, because Jimmy didn't respond. What matters is what you say. We didn't use hasty remarks, but tried with simple phrases to describe what Jimmy was doing, what his mood seemed to be, what he seemed to feel. When Jimmy dropped a book on his feet and then picked it up and threw it away, we said: "Jimmy dropped the book on his feet. Jimmy's feet hurt. Jimmy is angry at the book. Jimmy wants to hurt the book. Jimmy throws the book because he is angry." This way Jimmy heard his feelings and gestures translated into words. After many such situations, he began to understand the pain and rage that suddenly exploded in him. We used this approach often. Jimmy grew angry because he couldn't communicate an action he wanted to do. His anger would grow until it overwhelmed him completely. The abyss he fell into was a terrible experience that cut him off from all connection to reality. Steady, repeated words helped him understand this flood of emotion. "Jimmy is angry at his foot." "Jimmy is beside himself about mommy." "Jimmy is angry at daddy." "Mommy is angry at daddy." "Daddy is angry at mommy."
Offering Reassurance
We discovered it was necessary to reassure Jimmy that rage is justifiable and common to everyone. We told him this again and again. We put it into words whenever we could. Sometimes it was hard. Describing what was happening the moment it happened often meant giving up any tact. It was difficult for me to say "Daddy is angry with Jimmy because daddy is tired" or "Daddy doesn't understand." When we made a mistake, we tried to explain that to Jimmy too. "Mommy tripped over Jimmy's foot. Mommy is sorry. Jimmy is angry at mommy. Mommy is sorry she hurt Jimmy's foot." Thunderstorms usually terrified him. We helped by pointing out the lightning and saying right away "Now comes the thunder."
Words and Actions Must Match
In teaching Jimmy to live by certain essential rules, we remembered that words can and must be used as tools. For our non-disabled daughter, adult actions were sometimes hard to understand without words. For Jimmy, every action had to be accompanied by words, and every word had to be backed by consistent action—until he developed the ability to understand words alone. In our approach to discipline, saying "No" to his behavior and then letting him continue made only one thing clear: the power of the word we had spoken grew weaker. Jimmy needed the reinforcement of action to learn that the word had value and was itself a tool of discipline and meaningful communication. Jimmy had no sense of danger, neither to himself nor to others. Many times only our prohibitions prevented a terrible accident. It is hard to teach a troubled child, and the word "No" must be reinforced by action repeatedly, over a long time, before he understands it.
Helping Him Solve the Problems He Creates
The child should help solve the problems he makes. When Jimmy knocked over a vase of flowers, we took his hands and guided the movements to clean up, talking about what we were doing. We told him he had knocked over the flowers and now he had to put everything back in order. This guided the action toward its purpose. Over time Jimmy learned the sequence of cause and effect. He began to understand what part he played in creating a problem and what the consequences were.
Laughing together is a powerful therapy for everyone
Laughing together is a powerful therapy for everyoneIt was Jimmy who taught us how to bring him joy. We wanted to find ways to reward him when he behaved well. This was desperately hard, because he had no interest in toys, ate only peanut butter sandwiches, and drank only milk and fruit juice. Such a limited diet meant we couldn't use food and drink as meaningful rewards for positive behavior change. Since he was small, he loved a finger game that ended with a tickle under the chin. It's nearly impossible not to laugh with a happy child, so we all began laughing together. This became his reward, and even now each night we have our tickling sessions under the chin.
Guiding him back to «his space» each time, always with the same words
Guiding him back to «his space» each time, always with the same wordsLaughing together was a powerful therapy for all of us. It was as if Jimmy had difficulty reaching reality until it became a place of happiness.
Looking back, the important questions we asked ourselves and still ask about discipline goals are:
- How important is this behavior I'm asking my child to change?
- What good will his obedience to my request do?
- Is my request about saving face, pleasing myself, or protecting my child's safety?
- Can this rule be enforced every single time?
- Does this rule help my child grow and develop?
- Will this rule satisfy the whole family, especially the child?
We often wondered whether we would have enough patience to hold firm with our son. We discovered the answer only when we saw real results.
— Malinda S. Tomaro
The Exceptional Parent, Vol. I No. 6, 1976, from "Counseling Parents of Exceptional Children," pp. 119–122.
Translation by Elisabetta Comand