We have had to tell a resident many times that someone close to them has died. We have always chosen to speak first with the person directly affected, and then together with the whole group, so that person feels surrounded by everyone's care and can join us all at the funeral.
When we have had to announce the death of a parent, we have found a place where the person could feel at ease, taking care to involve those among us who represent a significant emotional anchor. At first we use gentler language—"he went to heaven," "he's gone," "he left us"—but then we must become clear and direct, saying the word death itself—"he died"—to leave no room for confusion. Many emotions follow in waves: pain, sadness, tears, suffering, acceptance, denial, anger. We are ready to hold them all. We try to answer the questions some ask, and we respect the silence of others.
It calls for a different approach when we must tell the community about the death of a companion here, a brother- or sister-in-arms in our home, sometimes a roommate. This happened almost ten years ago with Massimo's death, then later—suddenly—with Silvia, and just over a year ago with Alberto.
To share the news about Alberto (his mother speaks about him in OL no. 154), we decided to divide the residents into small groups who received the news at the same time but separately, ensuring each person had proper care, appropriate support, and a space to be heard. Afterward we gathered together in the main hall, and—with the help of a guitar, a lit candle, and a photograph—we shared our feelings, prayed, sang, remembered, and gave thanks to God for the precious gift of friendship.
We have learned that how we communicate should depend on each person's bond with the one who has died. The closer the bond, the more important it is to tell them one to one. When the connection is less personal, we can share the news with a group, but always staying ready to step in one-on-one with anyone who needs it. We position ourselves strategically so no one is left alone: a touch, a look, an embrace, a word, a gentle pressure on the shoulder—these are always within reach for everyone.
In the days that follow, we hold activities to honor the person we have lost: we use many forms of expression—drawings, songs, readings, prayers. Each person chooses what fits them best, respecting those who need to grieve more quietly and in their own way, but never allowing anyone to grieve alone.
